Life is Full of Noise
I am often asked how can I drive for so long to visit the places I photograph. The answer is simple – I find myself yearning for the quiet. From the road trip there, to the journeys I go on. My mind is freed from the day to day demands that way heavily on me. In places such as this photo, there is no endless stream of demands, no phone ringing or buzzing. Just the wind, the water crashing on shore and a sense of vastness that gently silences everything else. My soul finds the peace and healing its in desperate need of.
Each step along these bluffs helps me reclaim balance. Here the Universe reminds me that I am more than the sum of the demands placed on me. In this space, I find calm and I find myself once again. I can now throw away that milk carton that has the picture of myself missing. If you know, you know. At this point feel free to stop reading. If you don’t want to know all the details, I totally get it. This is my therapy and my need to help others not feel alone in this world.
So here it is: Day to day life is often a storm of noise overflowing with texts, emails and phone calls. It comes from all corners: the people you work with, your partner, kids, friends and family. Some days the constant pulling from every direction leaves you feeling overwhelmed and often catatonic by the end of the day.
It seems as there are questions and problems that flood in one after another. After one issue is solved, another arrises. There are messages from work that often need an immediate answer, and then there are the personal texts and videos from my family to connect with me or because they need help with something. As the family messages start to come through panic is starting to slowly set in at this point.
Inner Dialogue: Don’t they know I’m working? I can’t focus on 2 things at once! If I don’t finish what Im working on, someone is going to get upset at me. Let me finish what I am working on and I then I will reply to them. Inevitably, I’ll forget to reply to their messages, only to face the disappointed questions later: “Why don’t you ever respond to me? Didn’t you care enough to watch the video I sent?” Why do you not care about me like I care about you?
Work problems have beckoned me once more. My anxiety has risen and is getting the best of me. Inner Dialogue: I have to be my version of myself at work and not let them see me crack! I can’t let them see me get overwhelmed. I just have to push through and figure this out. My family depends on me to make an income. My life hinges on everything going perfect here. I will just panic with a smile, they will never know! I can do this, its time to be a man and push though.
Somehow I push through and I have given the best of myself away as work concludes for the day. After I get home from work, I just feel dead inside. My battery is drained and there is not much left to give. Just as I find a sliver of peace, my kids sense it—they instinctively know the moment I’ve exhaled. And if it’s not them, it’s my wife, bringing up something we need to discuss. Exhausted, I ask to talk about it later in the hopes of maintaining that peaceful moment. I know this isn’t fair of me, she is being responsible and attentive. I know she doesn’t want to deal with it either. That doesn’t stop me from kicking the can down the road. I just want to wind down, dumb down and forget about the day. I know tomorrow is just going to be the same day. I just need a break to recharge.
I can sense her being defeated. In the moment I don’t care, I will later though. Does animosity grow little by little each time? I don’t know, because I chose to no longer be present. To be clear, I didn’t choose myself in this moment either, I chose to just be an empty shell. I will inevitably hate myself later for this. I will hate myself for not being a better father & husband. I will hate myself for no longer taking interest in my hobbies. After I have this aha moment of clarity, I will be inspired to do better until tomorrow comes with its new set of challenges. The cycle will start itself over and I will be right back where I started. To quote the 1993 film Groundhog Day: I wake up every day, right here, right in Punxsutawney, and it’s always February 2nd, and there’s nothing I can do about it.